O V E R W H E L M E D. Such an odd feeling, it seems from an outsiders point of view nothing is wrong, yet in your head it seems like everything is bombarding you at the same time. Lately it feels like life is a lot more than I can chew. I feel like every small thing makes me want to crawl under a rock and hide from the world. I have messages coming through from many people and I just wanna kind of sort of disappear from the face of the earth. I know that is not and option and it will pass, but I genuinely feel like the world is out to get me. It's been so stressful because of work and my dermatitis getting worse, having a cold sore outbreak, small things like that seem like such huge burderns. I reject or am cold to people, just cause my head seems to be screaming all the time and I can't be myself, only a version that is kind of a human person version of me. I guess what I'm trying to say, I am not the greatest in my mind at the moment. It will pass, like most things in life, a metaphorical cloud.
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L O N E W O L F. No secret that people get divided into introverts, extroverts and ambiverts. That is determined by our preference on how to spend our free time. It goes from wanting to be surrounded by people, to wanting to be left alone. As an introvert, I have spent majority of my life by myself, creating what happiness means to me by myself. Ofcourse I do enjoy the company of others, socialising and spending time with a friend, just in bigger groups of people I begin to dissociate and wonder off to my own universe. It is because I just feel overwhelmed and not comfortable speaking up, I feel like what I have to say never comes out right and it doesn't matter as much. Yet I know my voice matters, I have to speak up when the time is right. I have very few friends in real life that I barely ever see, because again, I just crave time on my own. I love and care about them, but mostly I just end up never meeting anyone and being my own best friend. But I guess it also shows that I am scared on the inside to be vulnerable to someone else in person and open myself up to be able to develop new friendships. Such is a life of introvert, being own best friend and enjoying alone time more than people time. Recently I have just been on my own and enjoyed my own company, ignored peoples messages and isolated myself. To that I am sorry, just how my brain works when I am overwhelmed. Am I mainly on my own when not at work, yes, but I am not sad about being a lone wolf, I embrace it.
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Reposted from @kostelic (@get_regrann) - Leaving on vacation with my new birthday present from my BF @alex.ve 🥰 I’m pretty sure this is not just my present but he said if it was his present he’d have also bought a gag 😂 do I talk too much??? 🤭 I’ll still think he expects me to be his toy. handle with care! Just kidding toss me around and break me 🤤Embrace your inner kinks and have FFun 🤜🍑😻 #kink #fetish #leather #submissive #bottom #powerbottom #bottompride #pride #harness #collar #pup #locked #selfie #hairy #chest #abs #thighs #gayboy #gaymuscle #gaycouple #gayfetish #gaybeard #bdsm #gaybdsm #FFun #shopping #birthdayboy #regrann
B a d A t L o v e. For the longest of time I have been searching for that right relationship. Figuratively working day and night just to find that special someone. Recently, when talking to a friend, I have unconsciously said that I want someone to not be bored. Then I got a message saying I should stop associating single with being bored. And it hit me, all this time I've been seeking for a thrill of a relationship. I had such a deep craving for someone to cure my boredom, then revolving everything around that person, so as to take over my free time. Then inevitably having to look over some things I do not agree with and in the end getting hurt by them. Same way I have been looking at hook ups, seeking a thrill to sedate my boredom. Which has now opened my eyes to actually work on myself, that I have been doing anyway, but to a whole new level where I do not obsess over anyone else. Finding someone who complements me and who I complement in return, rather than one becoming everything to the other. It is not an easy lesson to learn and it will take me a while, but no good things are learnt easily.
مكان لأول مره اعرف تفاصيل كتير عنه علشان اكيد كل ما بنكبر كل ما بنعرف اشياء اكتر وأصعب ، بس الاهم من كده #الأكتشاف_الذاتي وانك تلاقي حد يهتم بيك وبتفصيلك الصغيره يهتم انو يشوف فرحك ويعرف مصدر حزنك ومن هنا هتقدر تكتشف ذاتك والأماكن اللي ممكن تحبها وتحب تزورها كذا مره #Egyption_museum #Happy_Day #sunny_Day #fFun #Love
E X P E C T A T I O N S. From youth we are directed to plan our future, do tasks and expect rewards. We are taught that life as it is, is a positive place, that good things have to happen to you, strangers will help, friends will be selfless, lovers will never do wrong, that it is inherent that good will happen. We learn to just build expectations around everything and hope for the best outcome. But what if no one has to do anything. We do not owe anyone a good and positive response, a helping hand when needed or favour that does not benefit us. We choose to from the good in our hearts, not because we are obligated to. This has changed how I see the world completely. It has both made me more and less selfless. It has allowed me to say no to things I just do not wanna do, move on from situations that hurt me, but also help others because I want to from the good in my heart. I can proudly say, I feel happier as a person living with freedom to say no, reject negative people, reject situations that could hurt me, reject the perception that I should be at a certain level in life or compare my idea of happiness to others. Yet at the same time I open myself up to do more good things, be braver and offer help when seen possible, assist when it does not benefit me, without compromising my values and integrity. I do not expect anymore that world has to be good to me, I take everything for what it is, not what/how I want it to be.
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L U K A S. As I previously have said, I don't always feel like myself and feel like my identity is changing from time to time, but I do know wholeheartedly that I am trying to be the real me. Lukas is my real name and John Hoaxxx is just a side of me. I am very sensitive and vulnerable inside, yet I have a thick skin and am scared to let people away. I fear that when people see the real me, they will flee, as my real self is just a complex person with so many aspects that sometimes contradicts themselves. That is why I make people leave or leave them first, just to avoid that pain of rejection. I just feel like an outcast, so sometimes think how can someone like me when I feel like I belong nowhere? That is why I am creating a place for myself where I can be safe and rest my introverted mind. Yes this is unapologetically exposed me talking, bearing all sides to me. My kinky and sexually driven side, my hopelessly romantic side, my wildly untamed creative side, my emotionally not the most stable yet intelligent mind, my hurting soul from being cheated on, left and neglected in past, idependent and free minded sometimes lonely, my dark humour that helped me cope through tons of pain, my uglyness and beauty. Yes all of these sides, amongst many more, create me, a person you see in pictures, just how I want you to see me. But underneath them is a real and vulnerable person who sometimes fakes a smile, who hurts without showing, who laughs when wanting to cry, who puts on a show to later just lay alone and enjoy my own company. This is me, flawed, but still beautiful.
J O H N H O A X X X. This might come as a surprise to some who have not met me in real life, but John Hoax is just a pseudoname. My real name is Lukas. John Hoaxxx, is a mixture of three things: 1) John Doe as a starting point, something to name a person with no known identity, nothing is known about them and they are a mystery 2) Hoax adding a new layer of mystery and making it an unknown deception, therefore building a level of ability to study identity, as no characteristics are inherently attached to it 3) XXX the final component in the name, lifting the taboo of sexuality and liberating myself of shame that was associated with it. I have created this character when I was extremely dissatisfied with who I was and wanted to desperately escape and become a whole new, stronger, better looking person. I felt like if I had created this persona I would be able to become confident in myself, I would be able to learn to love myself, I would become comforable with constant chaos in my mind. And I started doing it 2013/2014, mostly as a study in identity and who I could or would want to become or mould myself, inspired by Electra Heart, a character created by Marina (previously Marina and the Diamonds). So I began posting about my life but through a character. It grew over time. I never really understood how or why, but I started sharing more personal and honest side of me, what I sometimes shy away from sharing in person, scared of being misunderstood, ridiculed and degraded. So in a sense, I hide my vulnerability and my insight in person, cause am shy and scared to be hurt. That's where the side of me, John Hoaxxx, comes in and I feel free to share my darkest corners of identity and expose my mind, the way I choose to expose my body, lifting taboo of my own body and mind and freeing myself of expectations from others, as well as liberating myself to be free and live life as I want.